The Nature Of Boundaries By Tom Kenyon

Boundaries in relationships are invisible lines defining our limits with others.

Boundaries are crucial for a healthy life, fostering connections, and preserving well-being.

In this exploration, we delve into the nature of personal boundaries.

We understand their significance and learn to establish and maintain them effectively.

The Nature of Boundaries

As a psychotherapist, it has been my observation for some time now that much in the New Age is psychologically dysfunctional.

I had an engineer friend who referred to these New Age “truisms” as NABS or New Age Bullshit.

They are like those little snacks you eat at cocktail parties.

They fill you up for a bit and give the illusion of nutrition, but they are empty calories.

I think that one of the NABS currently in vogue is the notion that one should let down one’s guard and be fully and completely open.

As a therapist, I think this idea is potentially dangerous, and here’s why.

We have many levels to ourselves. At one level, the transpersonal, we may be a spirit, unbounded by time and space, but at another level, we are mammals, like dogs, cats, whales, dolphins, and monkeys, to name a few. We have biology.

And our psychological health depends upon balancing our transpersonal (out-of-time) aspects of “self” with our personal (bound by time) aspects. At the level of our biology, our body wisdom understands quite clearly the need for boundaries.

Every cell has a cell wall that keeps out the world. Any cell that lets down its guard is quickly going to perish.

The cellular walls set a boundary for the cellular processes inside to continue. The walls also keep out toxic invaders like viruses, bacteria, and other biochemical demons.

The message? Without boundaries, there is no life.

Related: Why You Feel Vulnerable

Without Boundaries, There is No Life

However, the cellular walls also have little openings to the world. These portals are guarded, but if the cell senses that a visitor is beneficial, it will open the molecular doors.

If the visitor is toxic, however, the doors remain closed.

Among the beneficial visitors are things like oxygen and nutrition. Without these “life messengers,” the cells will eventually die.

The precarious forces within our animal bodies responsible for continuing life depend upon a balance between boundaries and openness. In other words, at a cellular level, our biology has an innate wisdom to distinguish between something toxic and something life-enhancing.

Biological systems set up boundaries between themselves and that which is toxic, while at the same time, they open themselves to that which brings increased life. In the psychological realm, the same principle holds true.

There are situations and people that are life-enhancing and others that are toxic. The psychological task for mental and spiritual health is to distinguish between toxic people and those that are healthy.

Unfortunately, while our bodies naturally create healthy boundaries, we must learn to create mental and emotional boundaries between ourselves and the world.

For many of us, growing up in dysfunctional families, the skills of compassionate boundary-making were never taught.

And what do I mean by compassionate boundary-making? Well, to explain this, I think I probably need to discuss “judgment” and “discrimination.”

They are not the same thing, and this will lead us directly to the woman’s question at the beginning, “Is it spiritual to set a boundary?”

Quite simply, discrimination is assessing the apparent truth of a situation while judgment is placing a value upon the situation as “good” or “bad.”

For instance, back to the young woman and her quandary about her “two-timing” boyfriend.

His actions hurt her, or to be “psycho-politically correct,” she allowed herself to be hurt by his actions.

That he did this twice and might do it again is discrimination. It is logic, simple logic. This is discrimination, the act of discriminating apparent truth from bullshit. There is no judgment in this, just observation.

She has observed his behavior, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to conclude that he might (probably will) do it again. If she wishes to avoid getting hurt again, she will do well to set up an emotional boundary and become detached from his advances.

Discriminate Your Boundary Making

This is discrimination in action.

This is different from judgment. If she were to decide that he was a “shiftless and worthless bastard,” for instance, she would be placing a value judgment on him.

Discrimination, by nature, is neutral; it is not emotionally charged. It is simply a mental recognition of reality. There is no blame or judgment in this; simply observation.

Compassionate Boundary Making first requires a discriminating look at the situation. One must clearly see the situation the way it is without romanticizing and without trying to make it into something it isn’t.

If the person or situation is not healthy for you, you remove yourself. Period. End of sentence. In the process of removing yourself from the situation, you resist the temptation to judge the person or situation as “good” or “bad.”

Even though you might not understand his or her motives, and even though you might feel hurt by the situation, you give yourself and the “offender” the gift of spaciousness to do what they need to do — with one clear limitation, so long as it does not impinge on you.

I love what a southern grandmother once told a friend of mine, “Your rights end where my nose begins.” How beautifully direct and pragmatic that statement is! One psychological task facing all of us is to distinguish between what is healthy and unhealthy.

Psychological maturity requires that we act on our own behalf to separate ourselves from that which damages us. How we separate ourselves from those things that are toxic is a matter of personal style more than anything else.

Separate Yourself From Toxic Situations

As Paul Simon said in one of his songs, “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover,” there are many ways to separate ourselves from toxic situations and people. For those of us striving to be more conscious in our actions, and perhaps, more spiritual, the task requires compassion as well.

But compassion does not mean becoming a “doormat” for someone to walk all over you. Rather compassion means creating a mental and emotional space in yourself to allow other people to be themselves, even if you don’t understand or agree with them.

Compassion does not, however, mean that we let others intrude into our emotional space. That is a submission, which is not the same thing. As we grow in psychological and spiritual strength, we may find that we are no longer comfortable with certain persons or situations.

What seemed to be nourishing or at least neutral is now perceived as toxic. This sometimes happens with family members, spouses, and friends. I am noticing that, for many of us, this phenomenon looks like it is increasing.

Perhaps it is because things are speeding up, and more seems to be happening in less time.

Perhaps it is simply the price of self-evolution. As we pass over a line in ourselves from unconscious to conscious (I should probably say semi-conscious, to be more exact), we may find ourselves having to set boundaries with past relationships.

This can be very challenging, to say the least. For those of us caught in this dilemma, I suggest the Way of the White Cloud. The Way of the White Cloud is to see all things and all situations as essentially devoid of substance.

Compassionate Boundary Making In Relationships

The act of compassionate boundary making comes out of our luminous and unbounded nature.

Even though we may have been “hurt” by a particular situation or person, from the view of the transpersonal, all of this is like clouds, in one moment vividly real and in the next moment, gone.

This spaciousness allows us to let others be without the need to judge, defile, or seek revenge.

For the young woman mentioned earlier, making a compassionate boundary with her boyfriend might look like her telling him three things: first, based on his past behavior, she has concluded that she cannot trust him; second, she is leaving him; and three, she holds him no ill-will.

She goes on with her life, and he goes on with his. Now, this does not mean that the desire for judgment, defilement, or revenge doesn’t arise in our minds, especially when we perceive being hurt by another.

But the spiritual discipline of not indulging these thoughts, feelings, and fantasies is a powerful niyama (Sanskrit, meaning constraint or control). Niyamas, such as the attempt to remain harmless to oneself and others, strengthen both the soul and personal will.

Besides reducing interpersonal stress, compassionate boundary making affords us a real insight into the state of our own psychology. What I mean by this is that for some of us, it may be a challenge to let someone “off the hook” who has harmed us in some way.

But if it is anyone who is let “off the hook,” it is ourselves, since the desire for revenge or retribution on another is emotional and spiritual poison.

And so, to the woman I mentioned at the beginning, I would say “yes.” To set a boundary between ourselves and another can be spiritual. How it is done makes it “spiritual” or not.

If the “spiritual life” is an attempt to live with an awareness of the sacredness of life, then compassionate boundary making is, in fact, a spiritual act.

Appropriate Boundaries

Setting an appropriate personal boundary is necessary for all biological life. It is also a requirement for mental and emotional health, and I would venture to say for the “spiritual life” as well.

To say “no” to ourselves or another can sometimes be the most courageous and powerful act imaginable. And sometimes, saying “no” to someone is more “loving” (i.e., caring) than saying “yes.”

There is another piece in relation to boundary-making: detachment.

Finding your truth and acting on it regardless of how others might react is the benchmark of personal sovereignty. Such action requires the ability to create and hold boundaries.

I am reminded in this of a story. One day the immortal yogi, Babaji, was meditating in a forest with his chelas (disciples) up in the Himalayas. A man stumbled upon them, and recognizing the great yogi; he begged to become a disciple.

Babaji refused and told the man to leave. Instead, the man followed the group wherever they went. Finally, Babaji threw rocks at him and told him to go away. The man, distraught, told Babaji that if he, a great yogi, did not accept him as a disciple, he would cast himself off the nearby cliffs.

Calmly, Babaji told him he didn’t care what he did. With these words, the man threw himself to his death on the rocks below. Babaji went down the side of the mountain and brought the man back to life. Having dissolved immense negative karma, the man was accepted as a disciple.

Gurus are notoriously irascible.

They follow impulses that we can hardly even imagine. At the very least, this is a story about spiritual boundaries. Hopefully, in our journey to wholeness, none of us will have to jump off a cliff, but all of us will, no doubt, have to set boundaries from time to time.

May all of us find ways to be more compassionate in our boundary making. And may we find the strength to open and say yes, when we mean yes, and the courage to say no, when we mean no. The end. . . .

My Conclusion

The nature of boundaries is an integral part of self-care, fostering healthy relationships, and maintaining overall well-being.

By understanding the nature of personal boundaries and actively working to establish and communicate them, individuals can create a harmonious balance between connecting with others and preserving their own sense of self.

Embracing the essence of the nature of personal boundaries allows for authentic and fulfilling relationships that contribute positively to personal growth and happiness.